Materials
The
David Series: Our Lives Before God
The Prodigal Father
II Samuel 13-18
by R. Todd Bouldin
Clarence Darrow once declared that “the first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.” Children are a great joy, but they also can be the source of anger and ultimately grief. When your child turns out differently than you hoped, the first step back home for you and for your child may be found in the realized forgiveness of God.
Prayer - God, our Father, we thank You for Your perfect love and the forgiveness we claim in Your presence this day. Where we have failed as parents, let our children find healing and forgive us. Where we have failed as children, may we find forgiveness from You and the embrace of our mothers and fathers. In every thing, may we find our way back home to You, our Father, who has gone out looking for us and even died on our cross so that we may be Your forgiven children. In the Name of the Son, Amen.
It was quite ironic that I decided to preach this text on the day my parents came to visit our worship. Perhaps this sermon was intended for them, since my failings are many. But I am quite sure of one thing: as to any imperfections that David shows toward Absalom, this text has little application to my parents. They have been as near perfect of parents as a son could want. These two people have forgiven, loved and given more than any child could ever ask, and whatever good that is in me today, I attribute it first to the presence of The Spirit in me and second to their love and wisdom. Both are people of great patience, courage and love. They will be here two weeks, and I hope you will get to know them.
It is the most natural thing in the world for parents to love their children. Sometimes we can even love our children too much, to the point where we smother them and their individuality and freedom are held captive to our wishes and fears. Other times, our grief over their choices can turn our loss into unimaginable despair and anger. At this point, one disappointment leads to another until the distance between you is great.
A mother lies in her bed at night, wondering when her teenage son will come home. What is he doing? Is he drunk again? Finally, at 3 a.m., the telephone rings, and the sergeant says the words that break her heart, “We are holding your son for bail.” The signs start appearing: poor grades, restlessness, inability to hold down a job, paraphernalia. The father knows his son is experimenting with drugs. The mother and father are faithful Christians, the father is an elder – they have held up the highest standards, they prayed with their child, they have loved tirelessly. But now their daughter has rejected her faith and moved in with her boyfriend. They feel as though every effort they have made has been wasted. “Daddy, I am pregnant.” “Mom, I have AIDS.” “We found him dead in his room. Suicide.” These all are moments of great pain for parents. And it is pain that can live with you for a lifetime. Pain it seems is part of being a parent.
At least, it surely was true for David. David was a sinful man, guilty of adultery, first degree murder and even what we might define as war crimes. His sinfulness came home to roost with his sons. But David also was a man after God’s own heart, and today we see another reason why. In two weeks, we will see that David knew how to rejoice like God. Today we see that David also knew how to grieve like God.
Frederick Buechner describes the situation this way: “Almost from the start, Absalom was slated for trouble. He was much too handsome for his own good. His special pride was such a magnificent head of hair that once a year when he had it trimmed, the trimmings alone tipped the scales at three and a half pounds. For another thing, David was always either spoiling him rotten or shutting him out. This did not promote stability of character.”
The whole story beginning at II Samuel 13 reads like “The Young and the Restless.” II Samuel 13 tells how David’s son Amnon came to desire his half-sister Tamar, and he conspires to draw her into his room and then rapes her. Absalom was so disgusted by his half-brother’s act that he murdered him. David was terribly grieved. “Amnon, my boy, is dead.” And David, despite his son’s terrible act of incest, lay on the ground, tore his garments, and mourned his death.
The Bible says in II Samuel 13:39, in a phrase remarkably similar to the action taken by the father in the Prodigal Son parable, “And the heart of the king went out, yearning for Absalom.” When David’s old General Joab would not help Absalom patch things up with David, Absalom set fire to his hay field. Absalom was a man of action, the Machine, the Terminator. People found his decisiveness and daring irresistible, and a lot of people got on his bandwagon when he led the recall. They thought it was time for “with it” Absalom to take the place of the old boring David.
Here he was, on the eve of a crucial battle, and David was a wreck. Yes, he was afraid that he might lose his throne to Absalom. But more importantly, he was afraid that he might lose Absalom. He loved the boy like his own life, but he had become his thorn in the flesh. Absalom had led a revolt that caused David to reject Absalom for two years. Absalom settled nearby in Jerusalem, and he asked over and over again to come into David’s presence. But David would not see him. Over and over, David rejected him and wanted him out of his sight. The pain had turned to anger in David. But every time David rejected Absalom, it drove a stake further into the heart of a son that longed for his father. After a long rejection, David finally decided to put the past behind him, and he brought Absalom into his presence where he kissed him. But it was too late. The rejection, the pain, the sin – they all led Absalom finally to reject his father and to conspire against him so that he could take the throne.
Again, we see David driven into the wilderness, on the run from his own son. It is here in the wilderness that we have seen David before – running from Saul to protect his anointing. On his way out of town, David ascends the Mount of Olives, looking out over all he has built. Everything he gained seems now to be lost. His own children have failed him and now betrayed him. He weeps as he ascends the mountain, walking barefoot in shame. It is a scene not unlike one where a failed parent cries at night on her pillow, or a father retreats into silence and depression. You see how your children made some of your same mistakes. Even when you feel like you’ve done all you can do, you watch as your child walks away from what you have taught them or from the faith you believe. It is a long walk out into that wilderness. It is even longer because you believe there is something you might could have done. Did you love too much? Did you reject too much? The questions haunt you.
The conflict finally came to a head. The army of David and the army of Absalom gathered on the field, playing out the sins of the father and the son in the blood of battle. But despite everything that had happened, and all the ways his son Absalom had betrayed him, David had one instruction for Joab before the battle began: “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” David made sure the commanders understood it – he didn’t want to lose his son.
General Joab kept his fingers crossed though. He remembered what had happened to his hay field. After the battle, Joab found Absalom hanging in the branches of an oak tree. He had become tangled in the tree when his mule went under the tree and kept trucking without him. He was, as the Bible says, “suspended between heaven and earth.” Vulnerable. Caught. Joab happens upon him in this precarious position. It was Joab’s chance for revenge. So he killed Absalom.
David got the news from a messenger. It broke his heart, and he cried out in the words of every grieving parent: “O my son Absalom. My son, my son Absalom! Would that I have died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” David’s heart broke – what he wouldn’t have given to have done it all differently.
Randall Jarrell has written, “Family is the dark, uneasy world where the greatest can fail.” To some extent, almost all of us do fail at being family. There are all the pretty, sterilized “Father Knows Best”, “Leave it to Beaver” Cleaver type ideals that we feel should characterize our families, but they rarely do. For all of our focus on the family, our families often are quite troubled. Sometimes the stories do not have happy endings. That is when I am grateful for the Bible’s honesty.
So what do you do when your parents have smothered you or rejected you too much? So what do you do when your children have rejected you or your beliefs or maybe even betrayed you? I believe this story gives us some clues.
First, let me speak to children –all of you as sons and daughters. Children often can carry hurt and pain from their childhood or even a present crisis into their adult life. Absalom was thirty years old when he struck back at his father. Possibly you want your parents to be blamed for your weaknesses or problems. You may even feel that their failures relieve you of responsibility. “After all, look at what my parents did to me. You can’t blame me.”
You are responsible for what you do with your life, not your parents. Trace Absalom’s downward spiral. It consisted of choices, one made after another, that carried with them increasing adult responsibilities that he chose not to assume. David was a lousy parent in some ways. He chose his job over his son a few times. But he was not responsible for Absalom’s crimes. The children of some bad parents become responsible adults. At some point, the statute of limitations on bad parenting runs out and you have to be responsible for your own actions.
So first, you have to be responsible. But second, let me suggest that you have to forgive your parents for not being God. You have to. No matter what they have done, your refusal to forgive will only lead to more bitterness. You will never be free from it. And it will drive you to resentment and deep moral failure. So, with God’s help, forgive your parents. Tell them they are forgiven. If you did not love them, they could not have hurt you so deeply. If you will tell them they are forgiven, they could be the words that heal you and save your family for generations.
Now, I would like to talk to the parents. Not being a parent myself, I hesitate to tread on ground I have not walked myself. And if you are crushed by a child you feel has failed you, I am not sure any words can begin to understand the pain you feel. But I do want to remind you of something very important: the whole story hasn’t been told. The script has not been finished. Give God time to work. Let go of your need to push and cajole and manipulate your son and daughter back to you. Be patient and remember that your love and open welcome may be just the concrete love of God playing itself out in the life of your child, and that love will one day bring them back home.
Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” The seeds of faith and values planted in the heart of a child may flourish later. But other parents find that Proverb hard to accept. The jury already has brought in the verdict. The damage is irreparable. Relationships are too far gone. Perhaps even someone has died. Mental illness. Crime. Prison. AIDS. Suicide. A child rejects the faith. What hope is there for a parent whose heart is broken?
You first have to realize you were not the only influence in your child’s life. The same book of Proverbs says that some children will just rebel. “A wise son heeds his father’s instructions, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.” (Proverbs 13:1). Other forces are at work in the life of your children other than just your own influence. It was not necessarily your sin, or mistakes or parenting that led to their choices. Absalom spent three years in Geshur where his grandfather probably helped him draw together the plans of his revolt. When our children watch television five hours or more a day, yours is not the only influence in the child’s life.
Your children also are not robots. Even if you were the perfect parent, your children have free will. They will make decisions that have little to do with your parenting style.
I particularly am saddened when I see parents who remove themselves from friendships in the church or participation in the life of a church because of the actions of their children. They feel shamed or embarrassed by the choices of their children. I have seen the church lose many a good leader who, in my opinion take certain passages way out of context and believe that the actions of a child cut off their service to God forever. And all of us lose.
If parents are to blame, then God was a lousy parent. Look at Adam. Look at the rest of us. God was the perfect Father, and we each went our own way. And each of us will be accountable for our own sins. My friends, God does not hold you fully responsible for your child. You need to let go of the shame, find the forgiveness of God, then forgive yourself. Sure, there is guilt. But you can only turn to your Father in Heaven, whose mercies never end. When your heart is breaking, you need to accept the forgiveness of God. And then, you too have to forgive. David decided one day to get past the anger and to finally forgive. Where possible, ask your children for forgiveness. It is never too late. They are words that may heal your family for generations.
If only David could have done it differently. But there on a tree, suspended between heaven and earth, hung the son he loved. Murdered by his own servant. He would have given anything to have died instead of him.
David sat mourning alone. His armies crept back into town, as if they had been defeated. Morale was slipping. Mutiny was threatened. But Joab said, “David, you are still valuable. Your leadership is needed. Get on with your life. If your grief continues to paralyze you, greater disaster will befall you.” (II Samuel 19:1-8). And again, just like last week, David got up, pulled himself together, and resumed his place as king. David’s suffering led him back to prayer and to the forgiveness of God once again. Suffering often does that. As Aeschylus wrote, “Day by day, bit by bit, pain drips upon the heart as against our will and even in our own despite comes wisdom from the awful grace of the gods.”
Wounded children and crushed parents will always walk with a limp. But you can get back up again. You may even be led to trust God more. You may find yourself praying again. God’s grace may seem all the more clear. You may have more to offer than before. So, let it go. Give your parents or your child to God, and get up again.
You can get up again, no matter who you are, because we have a Father whose heart goes out to us, yearning for us. He has been at home for a long time, waiting for the time when we would all come back home to The Father’s embrace. The sins of the parent and the sins of the child are all forgiven there, where This Father did die in our place, suspended between heaven and earth on a tree. Prodigal sons, and prodigal fathers, always can come home again. There is forgiveness at home that will set you free.
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